He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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