I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
zippers are such a cool invention
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
