Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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