i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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