so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
