Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
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Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
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I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
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