I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
How external is "for external use only"?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
