Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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