theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
