I met the friendliest cop last night
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
