You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It's shark week go big or go home
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
