Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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