I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
