It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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