hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
