I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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