I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
