Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
