It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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