Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
splinters make it hard to masturbate
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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