I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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