her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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