I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
