ya dads aren't the best wingmen
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
