What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
