stop calling my apartment porn island.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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