I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
