atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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