Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
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We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
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I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize