jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
