So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
