I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
