I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
