omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
