I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
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I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
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Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I party with great urgency now.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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