How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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