Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize