M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
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