Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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