Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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