So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
