Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
