the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
