i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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