wakey wakey hands off snakey
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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