they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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