you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
