I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
