She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
