I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
