Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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