i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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