You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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