I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
