I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
