3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
