The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
